Thursday, July 8, 2010

My Shot as a Paparazzo (or Stalker, you choose)

I flew up to Lincoln this past spring to visit the ole Cornhusker nation and visit my many friends and many many lovers past. One afternoon, my friend Addie and I went to sit outside the fountain and chitter chatter- you know about the usual stuff (meaning of life, her teetering sexuality, etc.). Whilst our friendly chatter, I spotted a couple sitting across the fountain from us reading and studying together. They both had their shoes off, feet in the water and the sun shone at just the right angle on these two particular lovers. At first we commented on how cute they looked together. They were very affectionate and both looked genuinely happy to be with with one another. It didn't take long before this observation made a 180. The events went something like this, I decided to take footage in case anyone had the nerve to doubt me.
Scene 1. Happy couple flirts and toys with one another while studying. The scene of them together looks like a romantic Nicholas Sparks film or novel excerpt.

Scene 2. The sun brings in more heat than Romeo can handle, thus he decides to remove his shirt. I can understand this. In fact, I'm growing a little steamy myself, perhaps I'll remove an article of my own clothing. Who can blame the guy? Heck, Addie here is already down to her loins!

Scene 3. Romeo and Juliet decide to put their relations on hold and get some worthy studying out of the way..that way they will have more time for their shenanigans later.

Scene 4. All this temperature increase really causes things to heat up. Romeo goes in for the kill and he and Juliet begin a soft core, ever so sensual make-out session. At this point I'm beginning to feel only slightly uncomfortable. I'm not one to look away when people kiss, instead I prefer to study them like my own sexual specimens. I watch their every move and critique their form. His hand on her face, her hand on his leg- they've really got this scene nailed..while still keeping their study materials at hand.
Scene 5. Juliet thinks that just because she and Romeo have shared one hot public make-out this means they are comfortable enough around each other (and the rest of the public world) to do some self grooming. So, like any other college student, she pulls out her Swiss army knife and begins trimming up her leg hairs. Who wouldn't do the same thing? Afterall, the less hair the easier it is to breath in this weather. Romeo doesn't seem to be bothered by this at all. I, on the other hand, am absolutely fascinated. "What kind of creature does this?" I ask myself. "I haven't shaved my upper lip today, perhaps I should ask her if I can borrow these mini-scissors and do a little trim-up myself?" "Am I missing something in Texas? Is this a normal Nebraska grooming technique that I failed to pick up on in my first 2 years of undergrad?" This leads me to reexamine my entire existence as an ex- fellow student of this hooligan.
--This is when things really take a turn for the worst. I decide to get a better angle. I crouch down in the bushes behind Romeo and his betrothed to get a closer look.--

Scene 6. After running into a friend's boyfriend politely asking me what the hell I'm doing, I catch the star crossed lovers engaging in a dermatological experiment. Just a little pimple popping- never hurt nobody!
Scene 7. This really revs Juliet's engine. Kiss kiss.
Scene 8. Back to the blackheads, let us move on to the right shoulder blade.

Scene 9. Mission accomplished- Juliet's leg hairs are in tact and Romeo's bacne has been taken care of- who needs proactive? (please notice Romeo's welts on his back from Juliet's picking and prodding)

Scene 10. Well, my job here is done. I leave Romeo and Juliet, lost in the moment.

God Bless Cornhusker Nation.

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